The Jersey

The Rugby World Cup has begun and you can almost feel a tidal wave of anxiety descending upon Aotearoa. This anxiety won’t be alleviated until either we win the cup or one of the 786 man NZ RWC collective is forced to fall on his sword paying the price for an unsuccessful campaign with his blood (career).

While we languish in the discomfort of collective bated breath, marketing executives rub their hands with glee, salivating over their wet dream: a captive audience to sell to. Brands like Adidas, Nike, Puma, and Under Armor will be spending serious cash to make sure their logos are plastered across the chest of every rugby superstar and on every inch of signage at the grounds. With this in mind, I thought this might be the perfect opportunity to talk about arguably New Zealand’s most sought after advertising real estate; the All Black jersey.

The All Black jersey is the sacred toanga of the New Zealand sportsphere. It’s akin to that ring from Peter Jackson’s three and a half week long Lord of the Rings trilogy. And, just like the ring, very few are ever able to possess it.

Its mana is fair enough too; it has been a symbol of Kiwi success on the world stage for over a century. Great players have worn it proudly, exhibiting skill, pride, and honour. Past and present players talk of its aura, how privileged they are to pull it on, and how its history clings to the threads of the fabric.

It’s fair to say the All Black jersey is “precious” to New Zealand rugby folk.

Adidas recently released a new All Blacks jersey and unsurprisingly it was black. By their usual standards, it was launched with little fanfare and, I expect, minimal cost. I mean, they just signed US basketball player, James Harden, to a 200 million dollar deal. The cost of a mere All Black jersey release is just a splash in Harden’s diamond encrusted jacuzzi compared to that deal.

Why compare our noble game to the flashy bling bling of the yanks, you ask? Because I think it’s about time we make some USA-style changes to the All Black jersey. Now, Chill Winston, I’m not proposing mass duplication; I’m talking about one simple thing that makes US sports merchandise so successful. Because, let’s face it, NBA jersey sales are consistently through the roof and can be found worn with pride in all corners of the earth, from New Zealand to Timbuktu.

In order to effect this change, I ‘ve decided to write a letter to the powers that be at Adidas. I do so with a modicum of trepidation as I realise making changes to this icon of national sporting virility will no doubt unleash a backlash of hyperbolic proportions in Rugby Clubs and RSAs, from Kaitaia to Invercargill. And, to add insult to injury, I’m going to suggest we follow in the footsteps of those loudmouthed, brash USA sports teams. This could, in fact, be my first and last post on Chewie as I’ll probably be branded a heretic and burnt at the stake, but much like Frodo with his ring, I shall forge ahead bravely nonetheless

Dear Head of Marketing, Mr Adidas, Boss Man,

I am writing to you with a suggestion that could see sales of the All Black jersey reach new heights. I do not ask for recompense but, if you’d like to donate a million dollars to my retirement fund, that’s up to you.

I suggest a small change in design, which I promise, will not hinder the aerodynamics and NASA technology we have been told the jersey currently boasts.

I understand there will be some resistance to change. Rugby traditionalists in New Zealand will more than likely march on your head office and try to overthrow your board, but hey, any publicity is good publicity right? It will be worth upsetting the few as the extra profits hit the bottom line and dollar signs flash in your eyes and, despite the bullshit you tell us to the contrary, we know this is what really matters.

So here it is, a step into the future, an idea so innovative the rest of the rugby world will label you visionaries….put players’ names on the back of the jersey.

I know, I know you’re saying, “why didn’t we think of this ourselves?”

You could have released this marketing marvel a week out from RWC 2015 to the who’s who of the rugby world at a grand hotel. You’d have made one of those long-winded marketing speeches using buzzwords like ‘synergy’, ‘dynamics’, and whatever new word you lot have co-opted for your wanky purposes. Imagine insanely hot models dotted around stadiums at the tournament wearing throw-back jerseys emblazoned with names like Nathan, Clarke, Meads, Lochore, Shelford, Jones, Kirwin (actually that last one might not be the biggest seller right now) and, of course, British crowd favourite: Lomu.

I realize I cannot claim this as a completely new innovation; other sports have been doing it for years. When I walk the streets there are any number of youths wearing jerseys from the NBA or EPL or even the NFL. Names like Bryant, James, Curry, and of course, Harden are everywhere. At the gym I see, Messi, Rooney, Ronaldo, and Aguero working out next to me, but you know what I don’t see? A single person wearing an All Blacks jersey.

This idea is not only about current players, but also about keeping players from the past in vogue. Trading on the legend of the greats from generations gone by.

How about creating a limited edition Colin Meads jersey? Manufacture a limited number, price it astronomically, then release it around Xmas or Father’s Day, and BOOM you’ve made $$$$$$$$. That’s just another little idea I’ve thrown you for free.

So, that’s what I propose; you can thank me after if you like. Maybe throw me one those marketing style functions, in a swanky bar with overpriced drinks. Everyone can stand around looking important, pretending they like each other. Or maybe you could just pay my subscription to NBA league pass for the year.

In saying that, I’ll probably be dead, killed with fire by Kiwi rugby heads chanting, “death to the infidels.”

Come to think of it, do what you corporate types normally do: say it was your idea and have the function for yourself.

Kind Regards

The burnt guy