2015-16 NBA Season: A Haters Preview

Eastern Conference

Atlantic

Boston Celtics

Positive: Gerald Wallace won’t #BleedGreen anymore.

Negative: All those draft picks Danny Ainge has stockpiled can’t rebound, or shoot 3’s.

Random: 5’9 Isaiah Thomas is their best player, & he’ll probably be coming off the bench.

Brooklyn Nets

Positive: The Russian said he’d get married if the Nets didn’t win a title within 5 years. Marriage is a beautiful thing.

Negative: Joe Johnson is the second highest paid player in the entire league.

Random: Brook & Robin Lopez sharing an apartment together in NYC needs to be a TV show.

New York Knicks

Positive: They only need 18 wins to improve on last season.

Negative: Who breaks Kristaps Porzingis first, an opposing power forward, or the NYC media? #Kristapes

Random: What if the Grizzlies traded Matt Barnes to the Knicks just to mess with Derek Fisher?

Philadelphia 76ers

Positive: Joel Embid is funny.

Negative: So is the franchise’s treatment of its fans.

Random: Jahlil Okafor dropping his Sixers jersey at the press conference is also still funny.

Toronto Raptors

Positive: Masai Ujiri at public rallies.

Negative: Drake.

Random: Samoan Raptor James Johnson is often mentioned as someone other NBA players least want to fight.

Central

Chicago Bulls

Positive: Thibs & his voice won’t be running the players into the ground.

Negative: Derrick Rose might sprain his vagina. Again.

Random: Should be a 1 or 2 seed as long as everyone’s healthy, & Rose doesn’t have to sit SAT’s.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Positive: Mike Miller took his bong to Denver.

Negative: Lebron is going to subtweet Tristan Thompson.

Random: Don’t let JR Smith get bored & the Cavs should breeze through the East.

Detroit Pistons

Positive: Stan Van Gundy/Ron Jeremy jokes.

Negative: Reggie Jackson v Brandon Jennings could get very interesting…

Random: #FormAFuckingWall

Indiana Pacers

Positive: Larry Bird doesn’t have to worry about Paul George cutting Roy Hibbert’s lunch anymore.

Negative: No more photos of the starting 5 looking like a 90’s R&B group.

Random: George Hill looked like a discount Chris Brown with that blonde hair.

Milwaukee Bucks

Positive: What’s not to like?

Negative: Refer to my last column here on chewie.co.nz & listen to Jason Kidd rap.

Random: #ZeroBucksGiven #ForBucksSake

Southeast

Atlanta Hawks

Positive: Thabo Sefolosha won’t be fighting the NYPD again.

Negative: The Hawks won’t be sneaking up on the rest of the league this season.

Random: Tiago Splitter earns just under 10 mil…

Charlotte Hornets

Positive & Negative: Jeremy Lin’s haircuts. Frank Kaminsky’s dancing.

Random: Who wouldn’t like to see them wear the LJ/Alonzo Mourning/Muggsy Bogues throwbacks?

Miami Heat

Positive: Hassaan Whiteside is the bargain of the league. Pat Riley is the Godfather.

Negative: Dwayne Wade’s wife is 24 years older than him & could probably play 6 more games than he’d be healthy for.

Random: Amare Stoudamire will be reunited with the fire extinguisher that injured him a few playoffs ago.

Orlando Magic

Positive: Solid young core. Plus, Tiger Woods hunts blondes at Magic games.

Negative: The remnants of Dwight Howards farts still haunt the Amway Center.

Random: Elfrid Payton’s hair. How?

Washington Wizards

Positive: That new logo.

Negative: Kris Humphries. Kardashian curse.

Random: Wish they’d return to being the Bullets.

Western Conference coming soon.

Chur.

@Rarerecordings_