A theory on Ivan Cleary

Recently, Ivan Cleary lost his job as coach of the Penrith Panthers and Panthers boss, Gus Gould, was quoted as saying;

"I felt he was looking tired and I had the conversation with him, and also his wife. He came back a week later and he said he was going to battle on. I just haven't felt things were going to be any different or better."

"Ivan Cleary has done a tremendous job in his four years at the Panthers."

"He has laid the foundation for the future and we are enormously grateful for his contribution to the club.”

"We wish Ivan, his wife Rebecca, and his family all the very best for the future."

Now, every NRL fan worth their salt obviously knows Gus Gould is a Rugby League oracle. We see his grey, Yoda-like figure waxing lyrical on our TV screens every weekend. He knows more than anybody in the world about the thirteen-man code and to question this man’s knowledge would be complete madness.

Despite Gould’s otherworldly knowledge of the game, the sacking of Cleary came as a shock to many, as he is a highly regarded coach within the NRL. Granted the Panthers’ 2015 season was a long way from 2014 where they finished fourth, just one game away from the Grand Final, but Cleary had to deal with a 2015 season wracked by serious injury. The Panthers are a team who boast very few superstars and Cleary managed to wrangle every inch of performance out of a team of mostly journeymen. Losing your halves, senior prop, first choice hooker, and fullback, would cause serious issues, not only for Penrith, but for any NRL squad; hello, Warriors fans!

Speaking of the Warriors, this is not the first time Cleary has lost his job in controversial circumstances. In 2011, after taking The Warriors to the Grand Final the ‘powers that be’ decided they wouldn’t resign him either; a masterstroke by Warriors management as the team has been shit ever since and have worked their way through three more coaches in the subsequent four years.

In fact, not only did the Warriors’ first grade team have a shot at the title in 2011, but every team at the club made their respective grand finals. Sacking Cleary made about as much sense as letting your daughter go out on a date with Greg Bird.

This Cleary mystery set my brain racing, so I decided to put in as little research as possible and come up with the most unscientific theory in the history of the world. Like all major theories - relativity, gravity, evolution, KFC recipe - I needed to focus my thoughts, and come up with clear concise, and simple question, and here it is; Why can’t Ivan Cleary keep his job?

Firstly I cycled through rugby league related reasons for his dismissal - team can’t perform, doesn’t relate to players, doesn’t know the game, general all round useless prick – but none of that makes sense and I was still left thinking, ‘WTF just happened there?’

‘So, then it must be something personal,’ I mused. However, I keep reading how Ivan is such a nice guy, and has had the respect of management and players alike.

With the two obvious reasons gone, I was running out of ideas and had to be a little more creative. Let me just preface this with the acknowledgement that I have no actual evidence to support this claim, other than there seems to be no other possible reason Ivan could be sacked.

So here goes. My final theory is that Cleary runs a swingers club, and has made a few too many amorous advances at the bosses’ wives. Now I know a bunch of you will be saying, “GTFOH,” but I tell you, it’s those ones you least expect that are up to mischief. “Ludicrous!” I hear you say, but just you remember 2011. The Warriors Under 20s, reserves, and first grade team all made the finals, and they still didn’t resign Ivan. My theory is at least way more plausible than that decision-making.

Here is some utterly uncorroborated evidence supplied by totally unreliable anonymous sources to back up my assertion:

1. Each time someone goes into Ivan’s office they have to throw their keys in a bowl.

2. Ivan has a contract with each club he coaches at that specifies a house must be provided with a dungeon in it.

3. Ivan takes time out to meet and greet all of the players’, and support staff’s, wives.

4. Ivan often suggests team ‘get togethers’ (more keys in bowls).

5. Ivan’s favorite movie is Boogie Nights.

6. Ivan’s favorite actor is Charlie Sheen.

I can hear you skeptics out there saying this is the biggest bullshit story you’ve heard in the history of sport, but I’ll counter that with the following bullshit;

Lance Armstrong doesn’t do drugs.

Todd Carney is suing Cronulla for three million bucks.

Tiger Woods is a saint.

Diego Maradona uses god’s hands.

Chris Cairns has never heard of the TAB.

Michael Vick is the face of the SPCA.

OJ is innocent.

So, if the headlines above aren’t proof enough that truth is often stranger than fiction, I’m not sure what is. Let me put it to you another way, it makes no sense that Ivan Cleary lost his last two jobs, not from any logical Rugby League based reasoning anyway. So, there simply had to be some sort of skullduggery going on.

Anyway, I’ve run out of time, I’m off to a party at Ivan’s…